How Lucy met Harry
by fragonknight01
Summary: Harry is having a lovely summer at home with the Dursleys who are even tolerant of his gender issues...  On the way to true love he encounters Death Eaters, Disco Dancing and cross dressing- and that is just the first night.  Mild Slash & Weasley bashing
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimers: JKR still owns it all. I write AU/OOC...if you want canon you picked the wrong story.

A/N: Hey, here's an old one even I forgot about. Hope a few of you like it.

* * *

><p>HOW LUCY MET HARRY.<p>

Our story begins with Harry upstairs in the bathroom humming happily to himself, as he gets ready to go to a muggle disco with some of his friends from around the neighborhood. He has been having a great time putting on his make-up and re-adjusting the line of his iridescent tube top so that his thirty-six C's won't pop out while he is dancing. He twirls around to admire the view of his midnight blue micro-mini that exposed miles of sexy toned legs. He was proud of the fact that even his almost spike heels with the delicate straps emphasized his dainty feet and fine-boned ankles.

He was spritzing himself with an atomizer of Anais-Anais perfume when he heard the door bell chime. He was just getting ready to dash down and answer it when he heard Uncle Vernon call to Dudders to get the door so the ungodly racket would stop. Harry blinked at his mirror image- note to self- give Uncle Vernon a pepper-upper potion before leaving. (It could conceivably improve Aunt Petunia's temper also. Not the potion, Silly, the results of the potion!)

He grabbed the vial and dashed down the stairs. He was in the sitting room handing Uncle Vernon the vial to drink when he heard Dudley call, "Harry! Your friends are here. Are you ready?" Then he heard Dudley say, "Come in, come in! I thought I heard Harry say you were all going to the Disco though. Your robes are going to be much too hot and uncomfortable for dancing. Anyway, do come in!"

The gang of Death Eaters at the door was totally confused. Harry Potter seemed to be expecting them? They were dressed incorrectly? (A.N.: -we thought that we'd ask it for you.) Lucius and Snape both removed their masks and blinked at each other. The other Death Eaters, seeing Snape and Malfoy remove their masks, also removed their masks. NO one dared to ask Lord Voldemort what was going on- from the look of surprise on his snake-like face, he too was confused.

And then they were all beholding the most incredibly luscious sight any of them had ever seen. Harry Potter dressed up and ready to party was a damn fine figure of a transvestite. His breasts defied gravity better than Pamela Anderson Lee's (that was the model he used I think. No, wait! I am pretty sure it was Brittany Spears. Anyway, I know it was not Angelica Jolie because he did not have the good sense to transfigure the butt also- wonder boy was looking kinda' flat back there if you know what I mean.)

And then the gorgeous little minx opened his mouth. "Sorry to make you all wait." Then he blinked at Voldie and husked, "OH! You great sexy beast! If I knew you were waiting I'd have been here an hour ago with bells on!"

Voldemort was completely stunned! So much so that his chin dropped down on his concave chest and he was heard to hiss, "OH Yessssss!" His normally red eyes glowed a healthy blue (first time in fifty years) as he tried to remember exactly why he was standing in a muggle house oogling a pair of breasticles that seemed to have a life of their own seeing that they were jiggling pleasantly in front of him.

Lucius Malfoy could not subdue the spike of jealous rage that flared through his body. No way in hell was Snake Face going to destroy this work of art! Before he could even think things through clearly he had drawn his wand and shoved it right up against Voldemort's spine while shrieking AVEDA KEDAVARA! As the snake man's eyes flared open and the old ticker ground to a halt, Lucius grabbed him and slung him right out the door.

The other Death Eaters merely kicked the carcass off the sidewalk so that the gorgeous creature would not get its shoes dirty as they all left. They turned back to watch Mr. Malfoy. After all, this was a young Death Eater training mission.

Lucius wasted no time in presenting his suit to the ravishing little wizard in front of him. After clearing his throat gently he summoned his most seductive smile and said, "You'll be wanting to meet me, Lovey. I'm much younger than him and a lot better looking."

Severus Snape murmured, "Quite!"

Harry smiled a gamine little smile and wrinkled his nose. "OK! But first we really have to do something with your outfits." His wand glowed steadily for about a minute as the spells flew thick and fast. When he was finished the Death Eaters in front of him were wearing tight leather pants, bitch-kickers, and blue-tinted sunglasses. (Fragonknight03 insists that their hair has to be gelled back in spikes)

As the boys trotted out the door and down the sidewalk they did not notice that Draco was not following. Just as he was about to close the door on his way out Dudley had grabbed him and hauled him into his massive arms.

The two of them stood there looking at each other, the door still wide open when Vernon walked back in and asked Dudley who had been at the door.

Vernon missed seeing the petite Draco tucked into Dudley's massive side. Dudley did not want to give up his prize so he just shrugged casually and said, "Harry and his friends just left for the disco. But, there is a dead guy lying on the lawn just outside the door. Do you reckon we ought to just leave him there?"

Vernon gave a disgusted little shudder (meaning that only half of his ample frame shook instead of the whole thing) and called for Petunia. "Pet, Dearest? Could you ring round to that Frogg lady's house and tell her that there is a really ugly dead snake-like guy in the yard that needs taken away before the muggle police finds him. And ask if they can do it before Harry comes home."

Dudley clutched his new Malfoy toy and asked in a curious tone of voice, "Why is everyone worried about Harry?"

Vernon squinted his piggy eyes at his dense son. "Did you not see the way he was dressed when he left here? We should be worried!" Draco nodded vigorously and added; "Listen to your dada this time, Duds. He knows what he is on about."

Dudley just shook his head. "What? I told him before that his skirt was too long, and he really needed to do something about his flat butt. But he grew some nice boobs!"

Petunia lit up like Tinkerbell when Wendy got caught by the pirates. "Did he finally get that spell right?"

Dudley was busy leering at the little Malfoy, but he still had the presence to answer his mother. "I'll say! The knockers looked bloody awesome!"

Petunia gave a little squeal of delight and after smiling at her husband and nodding toward their bedroom, she meandered that way while humming something along the lines of 'I'm in the money'.

It did not take long for Blaise to start complaining. "If Harry gets to be a girl, I get to be a girl too. Only I want a butt."

Harry stopped in front of a plate glass window and looked into it. After checking to see what Blaise meant he gasped. "Why didn't anyone tell me my butt was so flat," he said in a semi-hysterical whine. It was only a moment's work on his part to fix said imperfection.

Then turning to Blaise he gushed, "Oh thank you, Blaise! I just can't believe no one else would mention that to me. I owe you soooo much!" He proceeded to change Blaise's figure into what he wanted then changed his clothes to match. This time it was a short black dress that left very little to the imagination. The results left Blaise cooing with satisfaction until he noticed his hairy legs.

"Are we ready to go now?" snapped Crabbe and Goyle.

"No! We're not leaving until someone casts a shaving spell on my legs. And for Merlin's sake someone do something with my underarms!" Blaise screeched.

Crabbe looked at Goyle and muttered, "That stupid bitch is worse than my mother! And he doesn't have half as much hair."

Meanwhile Severus was heard singing very softly, "I like big butts and I can not lie. You other brothers can deny. When a girl walks in with an iddy biddy waist, and a round thing in your face you get...OUCH!" Mr. Potter's delicate little hand hurt like hell when it connected with his cheek.

Harry turned up his nose in a huff and said, "Serves you right you big pervert!" and stormed off with Lucius in hot pursuit watching Harry's now attractively rounded derriere.

Severus idly cast the shaving spell on the young wizard so that he would have baby smooth legs and pits. As a thank you, Blaise giggled and cooed, "Come on Sevvy, I'll dance with you."

Hours later the tired but happy band of Death Eaters returned Harry to #4 Privet Drive. They all sang badly as they staggered up to the door and kissed him good night (on the hand- the only one allowed to do more was Lucius and all he got for his trouble was a light kiss on the cheek. Come on you lot- stop acting like slags- this was their first date!)

Harry glided dreamily into the sitting room to turn of the lights before going to bed. He head was still full of dreams of dancing with Lucius when he noticed Draco was sitting on Dudley's lap. He cocked his head and watched as Dudley petted Draco's long silvery hair, murmuring all the while, "It's so real! I can't believe someone as gorgeous as you really exists." Then the hand would gently caress Draco's hair again and he would repeat, "It's so real!"

Draco looked up at Harry, a content smile on his face. "Did you have a nice time dancing with daddy, Harry?"

Harry smiled a genuine smile that lit up his whole face. "Damn, Draco! Your da is a marvelous dancer."

Draco just sighed happily and leaned back into Dudley's bulk.

Finally Harry spoke. "Draco? Does your father know you are here? You had better come upstairs with me and we can send Hedwig with a message." Then glaring at Dudley he added, "And you had better not argue with me on this, Dudley, or I will tell Lucius that you were trying to kiss him on your first date. And that ain't cool because Lucius is really old fashioned about courting and if you ever want to see Draco again you had better get up to bed yourself-NOW!"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimers: JKR still owns it all. I write AU/OOC...if you want canon you picked the wrong story.

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to DISAPPOINTED. Sorry you aren't enjoying the story, lovey, but I plan to post another five chapters.

* * *

><p>WHEN LUCY MET HARRY: CH. 2<p>

Dudley made sure Draco was tucked up safely with Harry before he went to his own bedroom to lie down. (What is the mentality of a gay male entrusting his gay partner into the care of another gay male? Is there an unwritten law somewhere that says if you put two bitches together it is fine?) He could not believe that the sweet little blond really seemed to like him. He made a mental note to ask Harry all about DRACO tomorrow after his father had come to retrieve him from the Dursley house.

Harry and Draco, teeth brushed and makeup scrubbed off, were lying propped up against the pillows giggling together about guys. "What do you see in Dudley, Draco?" Harry was asking in a curious non-critical kind of voice. (Ever since he was allowed to do magic and actually had enough time to talk to Dudley he had become fascinated with his family. They, in turn, would now sit with him for hours, watching, observing, and oftentimes talking to him about being a wizard.)

Draco's silver-blue eyes glowed with happiness. "It is just the most incredible thing, Harry. You know how I have spent most of my life being surrounded by wizards who are just incredibly vile and only suck up to me because I'm the Malfoy Heir."

Harry nodded. "Yeah! I know what it feels like. Most people do not see me, they see my scar. I don't know whom to trust because I feel like everyone just wants my popularity. They could not care less about me as a person with feelings, needs, wants and desires." He huffed slightly and shifted his spiky fringe slightly. "I hope that Lucius is different!"

"Hey! Daddy killed the Dark Lord so that he would not hurt you. And, he respects you enough not to demand sex before you even have a relationship started. Of course, if he plans to marry you, he won't risk having sex with you at all until he takes you back to Malfoy Manor with him."

Draco's face flushed slightly before going on a bit more breathlessly, "Just wait until he carries you across the threshold and up the stairs to the master suite! He has told me a hundred times that if a Malfoy ever marries a virgin and takes them for the first time in the Malfoy chambers, the curse of only producing one Malfoy heir will be broken!"

Harry whimpered with excitement. "Hush Draco! I just met him and now I'm all excited about all the possibilities!" He squirmed around and then snuggled down further into his pillows. "Thanks for telling me that, Draco. I promise that if we do decide to get together that I won't abuse your trust in me."

Draco sighed, and then whispered, "Tell me about Dudley!"

Harry coughed slightly. "I have seen a different side of my cousin this summer, Draco. But, I can tell you now that he can be really mean at times. He made my life a living hell when we were little. He still likes to get really rough. He is only nice to me sometimes because he is afraid I will hex him seven sides of Sunday."

Draco laughed. "Who do you think the original mean bastard is, Harry? I just can't get past the fact that he does not know me, my family, or any of the Malfoy baggage and he really seems to like me for myself!"

The two of them lay there giggling for a few minutes until Petunia opened the door and walked over to the bed.

Harry patted the bed and she sat down. "You two really do need to go to sleep! It is almost three o'clock in the morning and you have to be up at 8 a.m. if we are to go into London to the shops."

"We are just so excited, Aunt Petunia!" Harry grinned at her.

"I can imagine!" Then looking at the lumps on his chest that were covered up by the soft flannel pajama top she asked curiously, "Why did you want breasts, Harry? How long will they last? Maybe I should ask you to cast that spell on me." She rambled on as Harry and Draco kept track of the questions.

Harry grinned. "Since I am really a guy the spell will wear off in about a week. However, I have been thinking about brewing a potion to change myself into a girl." He wrinkled his cute little nose then added, "The potion should be good for about a month. Of course there are a few potions that are permanent but I do kind of like having my bits so I probably won't do that."

Draco nodded his head. "Yeah, it is a tough decision. Daddy is probably going to want me to wait until he marries again and breaks the curse on the Malfoy family before he allows me to do any potions or such." He fussed lightly as he glanced enviously at Harry's cleavage. "I know he won't even let me transfigure breasts. And I should so like to have some just like yours."

Petunia smiled at him. "Well, I do hope everything works out well for your family. I really have enjoyed meeting you. I think you are the first boy Dudley has ever been enamored with." She gave a sigh and tugged at the cap that held her curlers in place. "I suppose I should really go back to bed."

Harry and Draco exchanged nods. As Petunia started to walk out the door she noticed that her nightie was tight enough in the chest to be almost uncomfortable. She looked down and gasped in pleased surprise. Squealing delightedly she turned and went back to the boys. She gave each one of them a quick hug and a peck on the cheek before darting out of the room calling excitedly for Vernon to wake up.

Draco and Harry grinned at each other. "Reckon we had better cast a silencing charm on their room?"

Draco smirked. "Nah! Let's go wake Duds up. Maybe we can learn something." Harry was not to sure about it but nodded an ok.

Draco squeaked excitedly then made a mad dash out of the room and across the hall. He was back with a fully alert Dudley Dursley in less than a minute. Dudley beamed at them before whispering, "I am so glad you two are normal teenage guys sometimes."

Harry ducked his head, a slight blush pinkening his cheeks. "Maybe we should cast the charm." He said in a low voice.

Draco and Dudley both hissed for him to be quiet as the unmistakable sounds of a bed squeaking became audible. Dudley finally reached over and slung an arm around Harry. "It's ok, Harry. It is just that this is the first time those two have ever made out with us in the house and if we can figure out what it is that Dad does wrong maybe we explain it to him. Just imagine- a happy father." He cocked his head slightly to better catch the noise. Giving Draco a confused look he mumbled, "Now that was really peculiar!"

Vernon was sitting at the kitchen table, red-faced, when the boys came down stairs at 8:00 am. Dudley sat down beside his dad and gave him an affectionate hug, then whispered, "It's alright, Dad. You are not the first guy to break the bed!"

Draco drifted over to the table from the refrigerator where he had been searching for yogurt and orange juice. "Mr. Dursley, you did not do a half bad job of it. No harm done really. Besides, Aunt Petunia thinks that waterbed that Harry and I transfigured it into is awesome. She is not going to complain."

Vernon was still embarrassed.

Harry came down stairs wearing a black lycra halter top with spaghetti straps and beads around the hem, a blue denim mini shirt and a pair of chunky tennis shoes. He grinned at the boy and then looked over at Uncle Vernon. After observing him for a few seconds he said, "Uncle Vernon?"

The older man looked up at his strange nephew. "Yes, Harry?" His voice was actually calm.

"Aunt Petunia is happier this morning than she has been for years. Don't ruin it for her." He then pointed his wand at Vernon's newspaper and muttered something to the effect of _Inscriptus Fragratorius_. The spell literally changed the newspaper into a huge bouquet of wildflowers. "Now take those upstairs to her and tell her that I am making her favorite breakfast and she needs to come down soon." He went about making breakfast.

Dudley looked at Harry rather funny. "What is mummy's favorite breakfast?"

Harry giggled. "Her favorite breakfast is lightly buttered toast with sliced fresh red tomatoes, evenly seasoned with salt and pepper. You did not actually think she ate much of that fried stuff she feeds you and Uncle Vernon did you?"

Dudley pouted. "You had better show me how to do some of the cooking. Maybe if I get to play with food more I won't want to eat so much all the time." Then he smiled at Draco and added sweetly, "Besides, I need to lose weight so that I keep up with you all."

Draco nodded happily and went back to eating his yogurt.

Harry looked up from pulling a carton of eggs out of the fridge. "Are you sure Duds? I'd love to help you get your weight under control. Maybe Uncle Vernon could be persuaded to lose some weight too. Only thing is I will not use magic to help. It will be all your' doing if you are serious."

Petunia came bouncing into the kitchen just as the boys were finishing up. "Now, boys, we need to talk about what happened last night before we go into London today."

Draco tuned huge innocent blue-gray eyes to her. "That's right Aunt Petunia. You all need to tell Harry what happened last night after he went out dancing with the guys."

Petunia started snickering at the memory. "Well." She took a few gasping breaths. "It really was quite something."

Draco rolled his eyes. Dudley could not hold his laughter in either. Harry just looked at the three of them, one eyebrow raised in a Snapesque fashion.

Finally, Petunia spoke. "Vernon had forgotten Mrs. Figgs name and called her the Frog Lady. So when I rang round to her place I asked to speak to the Frog Lady. She screamed at me for about five minutes before I could get another word in edgewise. Eventually Vernon took the phone away from me because I was laughing so hard that he thought she had made me cry. In the middle of him screaming at her to shut up and listen he noticed that Draco was here."

Dudley beamed happily as Draco ducked his head to hide the blush invading his cheeks. Dudley announced, "Dad screamed at me to get the little slut out of his house before he threw her out. He went totally ballistic when he found out that 'she' was actually a 'he'."

Vernon came back into the kitchen to see what was happening. He kept hearing laughter and wanted to be a part of it. "Dudders!" He grinned at his son as he shook his head. From there he looked at Draco sitting close to his son, next to Harry who was perched on the kitchen counter swinging his left leg back and forth like a clock pendulum, settling at last on Petunia.

He picked up the thread of the conversation. "That was totally strange last night when that really old guy named Bumbledork showed up with that bunch of artists." He shook his head at them. "That old guy should be locked up somewhere. As for those guys passing themselves off as artists- well, they were an odd bunch even by artsy standards."

He scratched his jaw where he had forgotten to shave a spot of hair as he considered his next words. "They honestly reminded me of that modern dance company that we went to see a few months ago. You remember them don't you, Pet? You know who I mean. That one guy with the glass eye, the wooden leg, and the holes in his nose reminded me of that girl- she was dressed like a scarecrow and acted like she was sticking paper clips in the electrical outlets when no one was looking."

Petunia nodded, after all these years of being married to him she understood perfectly; maybe too perfectly at times. At any rate, she was feeling benevolent so she was going to be agreeable. That did not preclude her ducking and running when it became necessary. Knowing that one of his lectures was coming on she jumped up from her chair pretending to be shocked and shrieked, "OH! Look boys! We really do need to go now."

Harry grinned, "Coming with, Duds?"

Dudley looked tempted but after looking down at his bulk then at the other three he started to shake his head no. Draco saw his look and understood what he was thinking- it hurt his feelings that Dudley was starting to be sensitive all of a sudden. He was about to get into a discussion with him about appearances only being part of the package when there was a knock on the door.

Vernon got up and went to let the new guests in. Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, and Blaise Zabini were standing there dressed in SWAT team uniforms (American riot control group).

Lucius grabbed Vernon and shook his hand. "It is a damn fine day to meet you, Vernon. When we are finished getting things straight at the ministry I will expect you and the family to come over to Malfoy Manor to visit for a few days." Then looking around and seeing Harry and Petunia both showing some leg he grinned, "Not today girls!" He zapped them both changing their clothes to match everyone else. Then as they were all looking at each other wondering WTF? He began bellowing, "Come on! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!" (Anyone have visions just then of a King Prawn?)

Dudley found himself wearing a SWAT team suit and running out the door with everyone else. He was about to protest having to go into London dressed like that when he heard Snape tell Petunia that she could drive the bus if she wanted to. Pet went into raptures as she promptly sat down in her seat, fastened her belt and peeled the hell out of the parking space.

"Tell me one more time what it is that we are doing?" Draco whispered to Blaise as Harry scooted as close to them as he could.

"We need to storm a warehouse down by the docks. Tonks picked up some information yesterday that led Shackelbolt to conclude that Charley Weasley might be being held captive there. You do know that Charley has been missing since about the same time that Narcissa left Malfoy Manor."

Draco sighed. "Poor mummy. I do hope that we can find her and get her some help before she does something stupid."

Lucius overheard this remark. "I should think that she has already done something stupid. My guess is she captured Weasley because he is good breeding stock, he's a pure blood, and he is unattached. Severus told us this morning that there was a break-in at his lab a week or so ago and several fertility potions were stolen."

Snape actually giggled as he said, "Obviously Narcissa did not get out much. Otherwise she would have known that any Weasley that has undergone puberty wouldn't need to be kidnapped or have a fertility potion forced down them."

All three boys snorted as they had various flashbacks of the Weasley brood 'in the mood'. It was common knowledge that when Fred and George left in their 7th year, both Katie and Angelina were preggers. Hermione, smart as a witch comes, had also forgotten to cast anti-stork charms. Arthur had given up on hoping he would have at least one child without an over-active sex drive- Ginny Wesley had been fitted with an enchanted chastity belt which was guaranteed not to come off until she either finished her training as a Healer or was married.

Harry huffed at his fringe as it slid down in front of his eyes. "So, she wants more babies, right?" He looked up at Lucius. "She left you because of the curse." It was a statement not a question and Lucius nodded the affirmative.

Before they could say anything else Petunia's voice came over the intercom. "We are currently about five minutes out from our destination. I am going to pull over up here and let Mr. Shackelbolt brief us on the mission.

* * *

><p>AN: Who'd 'ave thought that Pet would make such a good bus driver? Or, a SWAT team member? What the hell, let's send her name in and see if she gets picked to be a Bond Girl! He just isn't allowed to kiss her- we want our Pet alive and well and kicking ass!<p> 


	3. There is always hope

Disclaimers: JKR still owns it all. I write AU/OOC...if you want canon you picked the wrong story.

A/N: I really appreciate the few people who take the time to read/review. Thank you all!

* * *

><p>Chapter 3: There is always hope<p>

Charlie looked out the window of the warehouse. For the most part, his thoughts were a jumble of confused, half-formed thoughts. He was truly torn between staying there until he figured things out and just making a break for it and heading back to his old life. That had him even more confused because this ordeal really had changed him to the point where he was not sure he wanted to return to his old life.

Charlie was certain of a few facts. 1.) He had been taken captive by someone. 2.) He had been obliterated. 3.) He now had a 'big-ass' white dragon nesting a clutch of eggs right in the middle of the big ol' California king that he had been provided to sleep on.

It was an ideal situation for a dragon handler. He ate, slept and breathed the same air as the one species he idolized more than his mother. The dragon, who had told him to call her Cissy, was even capable of human speech.

He did not know how long he had been held captive but all things considered he was not in bad shape. No weight loss, no depression, actually- no boredom even. Cissy was an excellent conversationalist and would talk to him for hours about various subjects. The only drawback to the whole situation was the fact that when he went to bed at night he had to contend with a happy possessive dragon hogging the bed.

Anyway- back to the view from the window. He was searching the surrounding area when he spied a Shasta daisy bravely peeking up at the sun from the rubble in the overgrown alley. Speaking of mothers- Charlie could hear his mother's voice as she tended the flowers in the back garden. "Charlie, my boy, always remember that a house without flowers is a house without hope."

He smiled and called over to Cissy. "Come here, Cissy. Look!"

The dragon hopped off the bed and waddled across the room as only a dragon can waddle. Her sharp claws clicked rhythmically as she trilled at him in dragon.

"I wanted to show you the daisy. When I was a little boy, mummy used to let me help her in the back garden and she told me once that a house without a flower is a house without hope."

The dragon cocked her scaly little head and rolled her pansy blue eyes. Her human voice enquired, "And this means what precisely?"

"So we have one ray of hope?" Charlie smiled his sexy grin and wiggled his eyebrows at her.

Cissy went to the window in the other side of the loft. She scanned the area for a few seconds then said, "Correction we have three flowers, but two of them are dying."

Charlie's booming laugh was cut short and his eyes grew huge. He had picked up movement in the alley a few hundred meters down from where the flower was growing. Without thinking things through, he called her back to the window. "Come here, Cissy. I thought I saw some movement but it is gone now. I think it might be a wizard casting a 'Notice me not' spell."

The dragon gave a shrill squawk and rushed back to him. He barely managed to jump out of the way before the agitated dragon began thumping her tail on the floor and keening pitifully.

"What did you see that got you so upset?" He asked as he returned to the window and put one arm around the dragon. He was relieved to notice that as soon as he touched her, her tail stopped its agitated banging- hence the objects in the room stopped jumping up and down.

She had not seen anything. There were huge blank spots where things should be. Something was definitely happening down there, and if wizards were involved then she knew that her idyll of her, Charlie and their hatchlings would soon be over.

Hanging her head dejectedly, she shuffled back over to the bed and inspected the eggs. Heaving a sigh of deep anxiety she hauled herself back up on the bed and curled up around the little mound of glowing shells.

Charlie watched the beautiful dragon as she tended to her clutch. She really was an incredible creature. It was going to be hard to part from her when she finally decided to go back to Lucius Malfoy. He whirled around to glare out the window and saw another shadow move.

This time he was sure of what he saw. Deciding that he could no longer afford to play along with her he turned back to the bed. "Narcissa! We have to go. They are getting ready to come up here and I don't want to see you or that clutch of eggs get hurt."

Her head rose from where she had been resting. Her beautiful eyes were filled with tears. "You don't know Lucius like I do. He will not be happy until all my clutch is destroyed and I am back at Malfoy Manor as a prisoner."

"We will just have to try. Now come on and get moving."

"Actually, you don't really need to get upset and start constructing dark scenarios about the damage I will inflict when I get my hands on you." The tall blond wizard stood in the doorway speaking calmly to the inhabitants of the room.

Charlie whirled around to confront Lucius and blinked in confusion when he realized Lucius did not have his wand out even. "Why are you here then?" Charlie tried for casual but his voice shook with fear. He could face down full grown dragons but he could not face Lucius Malfoy without having a panic attack.

Lucius grinned as he observed the other man's fear. "Relax, Weasley. I came to make sure that you were being treated suitably. I also had to make sure that Narcissa was OK."

"What do you care about me?" The distraught dragon wailed.

Charlie immediately turned to her. "Narcissa. Change back to yourself before you damage the eggs!" His voice was firm, leaving no choice but for her to obey.

Lucius took the time they were distracted to walk across the room to her. Sitting down on the bed beside her he pulled her into his arms. "Narcissa, I want to apologize for all the years that I have treated you so badly. I wanted nothing more than to keep you safe and I could not do that by showing any affection in front of the Dark Lord."

"So what has changed?" She refused to look at him but held out a long slender arm to Charlie.

"Actually a lot has changed. I accidentally killed the Dark Lord about two days ago." Nodding his head like a chicken bobbing up and down, he continued, "Yes, I'd say a lot has changed."

Charlie took her hand and held it. "What are you here for then?"

Lucius smiled at the two of them. "There was a rumor that Severus' lab had been broken into and certain potions had been removed from it. Then Mrs. Weasley began making enquiries into the whereabouts of her second son who had gone missing from work without an explanation. I put the two facts together and decided to check up on my missing wife who had been seen in the vicinity of both crimes."

Charlie grinned. "Fertility potions gone missing you say?"

Lucius nodded.

He laughed outright at Narcissa's blush. "Oh ye of little faith. I am a Weasley you know!"

She could not help the giggle that escaped as he delivered a hot sultry look at her. "I wanted to hedge my bets as much as possible."

This time it was Lucius who laughed as he caught the look on their faces as they both eyed the small pile of approximately a dozen eggs. They shot him affronted looks as he gasped in enough air to dissolve into another fit of laughter so hard that tears streamed down his face and he had to clutch his sides to ease the pain.

Petunia stormed into the room in the middle of all this, dragging Harry and Draco with her. "What is the meaning of all this?" Then she stopped and took a good look at what was going on. As sudden as her rage had come, she was dissolved into a puddle of hormonal female as she watched Narcissa possessively glare at the lot of them from in front of her clutch.

She made a dive at Lucius and slung him away from the bed. "Did he hurt you, Cissy?" She glared at Lucius. "Tell me. I'll make sure that big dumb ox won't ever threaten you again, ok?"

Narcissa relaxed slightly and turned a bemused face toward her new paramour. Tilting her head to look up at him she asked, "Do you think we should throw them all out or pack up our family and move somewhere else?"

Harry and Draco at the same time, "YOU NEED TO PACK UP SO WE CAN GET YOU OUT OF THIS DUMP!"

Charlie looked from the boys to Petunia and then back to Narcissa. "Maybe we should pack up and go home. Either we can go to my place in Romania or we can go to the Burrow."

Draco eyed the stack of eggs and made the decision for everyone. "Those are my new brothers and sisters. I can't let you take them away! Please, Daddy, tell Mummy that everything is sorted and they can stay at Malfoy Manor!"

Lucius stopped laughing when he heard the distress in his son's voice. "Of course they can come to Malfoy Manor, Draco! The wards there are so much better than what they are at the Burrow. We need to keep this out of the papers and as quiet as possible. I don't want to see even one egg get hurt!"

Narcissa and Charlie both tuned stunned faces to him. He glared back this time. "Narcissa, you know very well that I love you. I am just not 'in love' with you. Obviously Mr. Weasley here is more than just a fuck toy! It only follows that you would not have had such a nice mating if you were not totally compatible and harbored deep feelings for each other. Now let's get you back home and set up in your rooms so that those little guys can be placed next to the fire where they can warm properly."

It was an odd procession that filed out of the warehouse and back onto the bus. Narcissa and Petunia both fussed at the four men carrying covered baskets that were charmed to glow with a comfortable heat.

Petunia turned back to face the busload of excited people. "I want all of you to sit down and fasten your seatbelts! I am going to need to concentrate on my driving and I don't want anyone acting up. Do you understand?"

She glared until everyone quieted down and did as they were told to. Only then did she sit in the driver's seat and apply the key to the ignition.

It was a comfortable trip back to the wilds of Suffolk. The only bit of excitement she would allow was when they stopped at Wimpy's to get afternoon tea and a quick fill-up for the bus.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimers: JKR still owns it all. I write AU/OOC...if you want canon you picked the wrong story.

A/N: I really appreciate the few people who take the time to read/review. Thank you all!

* * *

><p>Chapter 4: When Lucy met Harry<p>

The drive back to Malfoy Manor was accomplished in good time. The weather was perfect and Harry eventually got bored with the bus and began transfiguring all the seats into various convenient items such as plush loungers, a wet bar, and a small fireplace to set the baskets beside.

Draco added a plasma screen TV so that his father would stop pacing and sit down to watch it. It only follows logic that if he was sitting down, he was sitting next to Harry. And, if he was sitting next to Harry, then he was snuggling. Which led to the point that Draco and Dudley were snuggling and his father had not said a word about it yet.

Petunia sank down into a lovely paisley print loveseat that Dumbledore would have given his favorite stars & moons robe to produce after Severus relieved her from driving. She looked at Lucius holding Harry's hand then across to where Narcissa was draped gracefully across Charlie as they played a nice game of tonsil hockey. She could not help but ask, "What precisely are you two going to do about this situation?"

Blaise Zabini was the one who answered her. "Mr. Malfoy is legally obliged to send a document to the Ministry explaining that he and Narcissa are no longer wed according to Wizarding law because she found her soul mate and bonded with him. That takes precedence over any arranged marriage."

Lucius tore his gaze away from the TV long enough to nod at Petunia. "I sent the letter yesterday. But, I didn't say that Narcissa had found her soulmate."

"So are you now looking for another spouse?" Petunia nodded casually at the entwined fingers of her nephew and him.

Lucius grinned at her total lack of subtlety. "Actually, no. I found my soul mate also."

Draco squealed like a girl. "Daddy!" He bounced up in excitement and landed in front of Lucius and Harry. "Show me!"

Even Severus slowed the bus down and looked up into the mirrors to observe what was happening. There was no mistaking the silver glow around the couple as Lucius leaned toward Harry and captured his lips in a comfortable open-mouthed kiss.

Severus and Blaise both grinned like Cheshire cats as they simultaneously said, "I thought I saw a white glow around them as they walked down the path the other night."

Sev's voice called back to Lucius, "You do realize that waiting to kiss your soul mate in front of witnesses means that you are asking him to bond with you, don't you?"

Narcissa and Charlie stopped necking long enough to see the glow still encasing her ex-husband and the boy/girl/whatever? Cissy couldn't help but coo, "Oh! I am pleased for you two." She managed to climb off Charlie long enough to go over and embrace the two of them in a genuine rib breaking hug.

Charlie moved over and retrieved Narcissa after Harry had broken down crying. Lucius heard him say something about needing lots of help from her if he was going to fit into Malfoy Manor. Sis just wrapped her arms around him more firmly and proceeded to let him cry on her shoulder as she sat there smugly cuddling him in front of a jealous Lucius.

Malfoy Manor came into view in the late afternoon. The Manor looked impressive as it stood out grandly, basking in the summer sun. Petunia gave a soft gasp as she turned her gaze from the Manor back to Lucius. "This is Malfoy Manor?"

"Yes. Why?" The aristocratic Lord Malfoy was too content with his life to be critical.

Petunia blinked her eyes a few times and looked back at Malfoy Manor. She could not get a word out so Dudley finally explained it for her. "Mummy says that Great-Grandpa Evans always told her that he lived here when he was a little boy. He told Mummy that he used to go to the best boarding school in Scotland too. He was injured in World War I though and moved to London after it was over because he could no longer manage."

Petunia corrected Dudley. "Actually, Dudley, Grandpa did not say he was injured in WWI. He said he was injured at the end of the Great War. Mummy just assumed it was WWI."

Dudley looked perplexed. "Do you think he made up the war part to explain his injuries?"

"No. He really did spend quite some time in a hospital before he moved south." Petunia was adamant about it.

Draco looked up from his contemplation of Dudley holding his hand. He blinked then looked at his father. "Daddy, do you think that Mr. Evans could have been Evan Malfoy?" That would have been around the time that Great-Great-Uncle Evan disappeared. Maybe the story of him losing his magic when he fought Grindelwald with Albus Dumbledore could have been correct."

Lucius shrugged. "The only way to tell for sure is if we brew the Lineage Potion." He looked at Dudley holding his son's hand in a rather distracted way. "You would not be trying to get me to let you brew the gender change potion also while we are in the lab also, would you?" He managed to inject a small bit of his usual disapproval into his voice.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at Draco. He huffed loudly and wrinkled his nose. "I am not sure what I want. I think that I would like to have a chance to get to know Dudley before I make any decisions about gender change." Then he looked enviously at Harry's chest and added, "I would like to cast a few spells on myself and see how it feels."

Lucius's face flushed a brilliant red when Petunia slapped him for whispering, "They feel bloody awesome!" to Harry. Then she added, "Harold James Potter! You get yourself over here with me right now. This is just too important for the two of you to mess up because you can't control your hormones."

"Yes, Aunt Petunia." Harry got up and moved to where his aunt was standing. For the rest of the evening he stayed with his aunt, never leaving her side. Even when he made his way to the water closet, Petunia made sure that either Dudley or one of the others in the group went with him. It made for an interesting evening watching Lucius eyeing his intended, trying to lure him away from the crowd, and then being foiled at the last second by everyone getting into the spirit of the game 'Keep Harry out of Lucy's clutches'!

Petunia finally had enough of Lucius gently trying to lure Harry away and announced that she was cutting the evening short and would be taking her nephew home. She employed her haughtiest tones as she twirled her pearls and added, "Mr. Malfoy would be welcome to call during regular hours if he did not mind being chaperoned."

Snape threw back his head and laughed as he saw the shock on Lucius's face. "And to think, Lord Malfoy, you cannot do a thing about it because Mrs. Dursley is not only correct in her assessment of your character, she is family!"


	5. The M  & M chapter

Disclaimers: JKR still owns it all. I write AU/OOC...if you want canon you picked the wrong story.

A/N: Last chapter here, folks. Now to find some other story to torture you with.

* * *

><p>Chapter 5: The M &amp; M chapter<p>

Yellow M & M's

Lucius Malfoy was not exactly mistaken for the Grim Reaper as he stormed around Malfoy Manor, but he was doing a damn fine imitation. As a matter of fact, most days he was fine while up in the nursery helping Charlie turn the eggs so they would heat evenly. He had shown no signs of losing his temper when he accidentally walked into his study and found Auror Nymphadora Tonks playing tonsil hockey with the Wolf who insisted on bringing her Red Roses. However, he did lose his composure when he went into the laundry room to fetch a dark item he had hidden in there and found himself staring wide-eyed at two house elves who seemed to be in the grips of a great passion, a passion so great that their tea towels had been lifted and certain body parts could be viewed as tab A inserted into slot B.

Lucius was now of the opinion that everyone was having sex except him and it was a thoroughly disconcerting feeling. Lucius had been compared to a two-peckered Billy goat on more than one occasion since he had hit puberty approximately thirty years ago- he was not of the opinion that abstinence was all it was cut up to be either. And since he had been instructed by the master of instant gratification aka Voldie, he decided that if he was going to suffer, so would everyone else around him. (This is SO NOT what they mean by equal opportunity employer.) He stormed back to his chambers in a rage demanding to know why everyone on Merlin's green earth was getting some action except for him…and hopefully Harry Potter.

It was duly noted in the **Malfoy: Book of Boring Days** that his cousin Severus Snape had been hexed with several nasty curses when he took the time to explain the concept of 'No Ding Ding Without the Wedding Ring' if Malfoy ever expected to acquire more than one little ferret. And, hopefully, this time he would get one with a little bit of color because albino ferrets are just SO five minutes ago. (I personally adore those little faces with the black mask across the eyes!)

He decided to e-mode Harry and talk to him. Maybe chatting with his beloved would make him feel better. That idea worked right up until Harry asked him which brand of honey he preferred to have licked off of him on their wedding night.

Green M & M's

Harry, on the other hand, was having a right good old time of keeping his new lover interested. He had even transfigured his and Aunt Petunia's outfits into French Maid costumes and proceeded to dance around the house as they caught up on their chores. Of course they had to have a photo shoot and Dudley showed Draco how to upload pictures for his father.

Father was not too impressed with Draco uploading a clip of himself dressed in one of Petunia's cocktail dresses and doing the Can-Can with Petunia and Harry. Lucius admitted that the color looked good on Draco but the dress just screamed 'Marks & Spencer's'!

The days leading up to the wedding went by about as well as Chinese water torture. The only thing that kept Lucius sane was the fact that Harry Potter would wed Lucius Malfoy and would be taken to Malfoy Manor as his Last Duchess. The two of them made sure that British Telecom's second quarter earnings were a record breaker for the week…

It was duly noted somewhere in all the mess that Petunia was in fact a long lost member of the Malfoy clan. In honor of her being found and reunited with the rest of the Malfoys she was given the honorary title of 'relative'. Then she and Dudley were both chastised for being squibs.

Draco was so vexed by this turn of events that he decided to find himself a new boyfriend. He saw nothing wrong with flooing off to the Weasley residence and snogging his way through all of Charlie's remaining brothers and sister. He came back with the sister and seemed quite pleased with his adventure. When asked for an explanation he simply smiled… (We think that it has something to do with Gin-Gin being more of a man than he is. Or, it could be that since he is a lesbian in a man's body and she is a gay guy in a woman's body…)

To make things more awkward than they already were, the week before the wedding, Narcissa and Charlie became parents. Neither one really knew what to expect from the experience. Needless to say they were quite overset to discover that all their children had the ability to shapeshift from Dragon to baby and back depending on their moods.

There was all the usual nonsense involved with having a child. Everyone had to be informed of the new arrivals. Godparents had to be selected, gifts distributed, on and on ad nauseum… Narcissa and Charlie decided to name some of the new hatchlings after Lucius, Harry, and all Darks Gods forbid- Dudley. It seems that they produced one roly-poly little boy who was the spitting image of Dudders and he refused to respond to a reasonable name. (He did, however, come when anyone mentioned such words as food, dinner, lunch, brunch, tea, elevenses, or Duddikins.

Somewhere in all the toil and strife Lucius began to feel a bit insecure. He was overheard having a discussion with Albus Dumbledore regarding such diverse elements as love songs, Alfred Prufrock, and ladies at cocktail parties. One would have thought that he had been reading his British Classics in Literature the way he would rant on for hours about being middle aged and tempted by love.

Draco heard about his father's uncharacteristic lack of confidence and decided to do something about it. He called up the 'old crowd' and insisted that they all get ready for another night out at the disco. Severus brought Blaise along as his date and everyone watched fondly as Harry and Blaise disappeared into the Ladies Lounge together. They then laughed themselves sick when Harry and Blaise came back from the Ladies Lounge with horror stories of what goes on in there.

Blaise, especially, was rather ill from his run-in with a lady who insisted her 44DDs would fit into a 38C and insisted that he help her with her safety pins… Both boys could be seen looking at each other with haunted eyes and murmuring such things as, 'never again,' 'that was just too disgusting for words,' and 'I never want to set foot in another Ladies Loo as long as I live."

Red M & M's

The day of the wedding dawned bright and beautiful. Lucius, trying to get one last shag in before he had to settle down and produce a whole new flock of preferably non-albino ferrets, was at the Three Broomsticks chasing Rosemerta around the tables and dancing to the song _I'm Getting Married in the Morning_. (It was being sung by a very drunk Hagrid, a very very drunk Snape, and an almost comatose Dumbledore. How he managed to be completely wasted and still sing is beyond mere mortals- so don't start with me, OK?) Eventually he decided that he would just go home and get ready to visit Malfoy Chapel later on that day. (We won't get into a discussion of what constitutes a strike-out, a pink slip, or a rejection notice.)

OK, so, this is what we do. We have these two really shagalicious wizards trying to merge, interface, and download more bits into the gene pool. We will not interfere in any way shape or form. We draw the line with the sanctity of marriage. We are gonna' leave the stalking to the paparazzi… The wedding has officially taken place and the conditions for breaking the curse on the Malfoy Family have been met…

In order to stay on fanfiction with my stories intact I will not write a fuck-fest scene. You may use your imagination. To help you along with this endeavor I recommend you start with a large plastic sheet, a chafing dish full of melted (but not quite hot) chocolate, a good bottle of Moet and two newlyweds straight from the bath!

However, we do wish to note that the new video of Lucius Malfoy saying, "I do" and then DOING is one Hot Hot Hot item. Sex definitely works for us. We like it, we approve whole-heartedly with the concept of the sanctity of marriage and copulation in accordance with the teachings of the Catholic Church. Missionary style is good for probably, say, ten minutes…

Brown M & M's

Epilogue:

The curse of a single Malfoy heir has been broken. Last count we had, Harry and Lucius had six children. They only got married three years ago. Two sets of triplets will do that to you though. Lucius seems to have an extra inch or two around his middle from bearing children but he is still bloody gorgeous. All that silvery blond hair, the beautiful stormy grey eyes, and that totally tight booty… Yeah! Harry is a lucky guy. So lucky in fact that he gave up transfiguring boobs and has accepted the fact that the bits he has are perfectly suited to who he is 'doing it with'.

Blue M & M's

I once had an English teacher (10th grade I think) say that you should never write THE END at the end of your work unless it is along the same lines as **War and Peace** or **Gone with the Wind.** Since she had about the same integrity as a Peter Pettigrew…THE END.


End file.
